The Reluctant Atheist

Since some of my posts have been about the history of Christianity or places of worship, I thought I'd clarify my stance on religion. Or try to clarify it, which isn't easy when you're not sure yourself. In fact one of my reasons for writing this post is to help my thought process, so hopefully by the time I reach the end of it I'll know a bit more (I'll let you know how I get on). My position right now is that I'm not but I sort of wish I was, an attitude that would amaze and horrify the me of a few years ago.

REPENT THY SINS!

It was much simpler when I was growing up. As a Catholic you only really have to remember one thing - God is always watching and always judging. In those days nice people didn't get divorced, gay meant happy and there was no such thing as abortion. There was nothing remotely strange about a man being born of a virgin (not that I knew what a virgin was) and rising from the dead, or there being only one man and one woman on the whole planet, or that they lived in a lovely garden until they were tempted into eating an apple by a talking snake. Likewise parting the Red Sea, the great flood or slaying the first born of all Egypt (which always struck me as being unnecessarily cruel for a loving God). Then, without any apparent warning, something changed. I remember sitting listening to a discussion in an R.E. lesson in school about how the Resurrection must have happened because the stone in front of Jesus' tomb was so big that it couldn't have been moved without an enormous fuss, and it suddenly struck me. This is a load of bollocks.

After that it unraveled quickly. I'd finally figured out what a virgin was (thanks to those videos in biology) so that was another nail in the cross coffin. I stopped going to church and devoted my full attention to other things, things that normal young people are supposed to do, like making friends, getting drunk and snogging people. The fact that I was no good at any of these things and would normally end up watching an old football video on a Friday night was neither here nor there, I didn't miss God at all.

And that's how it stayed for twenty years or so, I watched the decline of religion with an air of disinterest, or even mild approval. I remember reading a newspaper column (Johann Hari I think) saying it was time to place God and Jesus alongside the likes of Thor and Zeus and thinking it sounded like straightforward common sense.

Then two things happened. Firstly I developed an interest in history, especially medieval history, and some of the best places to visit if you're a medievalist are churches. All those hours spent in magnificent old places of worship, marveling at the statues, carvings and stained glass, imagining the love and devotion of the artists and craftsman who created them have had quite an effect on me. Call it the power of suggestion or maybe I'm just gullible but it's definitely re-awakened my spiritual side. Secondly I've got old. Well maybe not 'old' old, but I can no longer claim that my best years are ahead of me. As such I've increasingly been wondering what life's all about and finding that my previous reasoning - there is no point, just enjoy it while you've got it - is not good enough. I want there to be more, to know that I'm not just a tiny tiny piece of dust in the great void. In short, I want to believe.

Now this is easier said than done. For starters I'm not just a skeptic, more like a complete cynic. In everything I come across, I look for an ulterior motive, an easy answer, qui bono. On top of that, thanks to my work life as an engineer I think in a very logical manner so any sense of mystery or wonderment feels just wrong to me. There must be a rational explanation, be it propaganda, superstition or mental illness.

I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to square that circle but maybe it won't matter. The way I see it is that if life is all about enjoyment, and believing in God helps you enjoy life, then believing in God is fine. If nothing else it's cheaper than a therapist...