How Many Tweets Make A Twat?

"Too many tweets make a twat" was David Cameron's response to an interview question about why he wasn't on Twitter. He's since joined of course, or someone in his office has and tweets on his behalf.  I follow him but so far he hasn't followed me back, though I'm sure he will once he sees my #saturdaysausage photos.

What Twitter's all about - pictures of sausage sandwiches

Social media (Facebook and Twitter in my case) doesn't have a great reputation. Depending on your own personal prejudices it's populated by tattooed, lager-swilling chavs typing "LOL" into their permanently attached phones, or else by latte-loving, yoghurt-knitting, mung bean eating Guardian readers.

Me? I think it's great. I like the sheer mundane nature of the pics/tweets (see left) and I particularly enjoy the challenge of writing my own, mainly because it's so alien to me. Prior to Twitter and Facebook, my only experience of creative writing was writing essays at school and I'd never realised how hard it is. Everything I wrote sounded like it was written by an eight year old - "Today I went to the zoo. I had ice cream. It was nice." As a result, as well as having a new found respect for authors, I've determined to improve my writing skills, hence this blog thingy.

The greatest moment in human history

It's also a great way of meeting new people and broadening your experiences. Through Twitter I've chatted to people all over the world, from wrestling fans in Iraq (yes, really)  to Chelsea supporters in South Africa. It's introduced me to Choral music, book festivals and art galleries. I've been tweeted out of the blue by Sheridan Smith, chatted to Chris Addison and had a retweet from Gary Lineker.

Some say it's a waste of time spending time in a virtual world at the expense of the real one and maybe they have a point. Compared to composing a symphony, painting a picture or learning a new language, messing about on Twitter is pretty pointless, but most people aren't doing these things. Most of my tweeting comes when I'm plonked on the sofa in front of the tv or riding on a bus so I consider it an enhancement to my current activity rather than an alternative to something worthwhile.

Sure there's a downside - foul and abusive behaviour and spamming to name two, but most of this can be avoided by careful management of your timeline. Based on my four years on Twitter, here are some #TopTips.

1. Don't tell people how to use Twitter
I appreciate this is contradicting everything else I'm going to put in this list but ultimately people will use Twitter the way that is best for them, and so they should. Don't like people re-tweeting their own Follow-Fridays? Don't follow 'em, simple as that. Anyway, this is my blog so I'm allowed to be hypocritical. Don't like it? Stop reading. (Wait!! Come back.....)

Nice, eh?

2. Be Nice (even to Piers Morgan)
Search for mentions of certain celebrities (footballers and politicians particularly) and you'll find a tirade of abuse. I understand feelings run high but I don't agree with it. For me, if you wouldn't say it to someone's face then you shouldn't say it at all (a cliche of course, but sayings only become cliches because they're true in my experience). Much as I dislike Joey Barton I wouldn't abuse him to his face, especially if he's holding a lit cigar. Ask yourself what your mother would say, unless your mother is the sort of person who would call someone a cockwomble or speculate about commiting sodomy with a hammer, in which case don't. Ask what my mother would say. Believe me, she wouldn't be impressed.

3.Who to Follow
Most people start off their Twitter life by following celebrities they like or people they know. Great, but  the experience is limited if that's all you do.You won't get much engagement with celebs and you already know the people you know so there's nought new there. No, what you want is to make the acquaintance of new people, witty erudite people, possibly with similar interests to you. But how to find them? Some people ask their existing followers to recommend them to others ('pimping out') which is fine except you have no idea if the people who follow you as a result are people you'll want to engage with, assuming anyone follows you in the first place. A better way, in my humble opinion, is to ask your followers to recommend other people for you to follow, as people will naturally suggest their best/favourite follows so it comes with a built-in quality control.

There's also the DIY approach - Type a subject you're interested in into the search box (music, sport, tv, balloon animals etc), see who's tweeting funny or interesting stuff about it, and follow them. Simple as that. With luck they'll follow back (you can always nudge them along by tweeting them to say hi) and even if they don't, you're still following someone who you find engaging. Repeat x10, x100 or x1000 according to your taste and you'll soon find you've got a timeline to die for.


4. It's Not Just About The Tweets
So you've just tweeted something Oscar Wilde would've been proud of and you sit back and wait for the plaudits. And wait. And wait. Believe me you're not the only one (there's me as well so that's at least two of us) but don't despair. Replying to or re-tweeting a comment is actually quite a compliment because someone's taken the trouble to single you out for attention which they didn't have to do, and this fact is key to getting the best out of Twitter. When I think about who my favourite follow(er)s are, in most cases it's not just about their general tweets, it's about their replies, the fact they take the time to have one to one engagement. So if no one is tweeting you, why not tweet them first?


5. To Follow Back or not to Follow Back
Some people, especially when they're new to Twitter and trying to build their follower base, automatically follow back whenever they get a new follower. Fair enough but don't feel obliged to do it. Ask yourself how and why this person came to be following you, have you been pimped out or re-tweeted lately? See how many followers you have in common as this is also a good clue. The reason for this caution is nothing sinister (not usually anyway), it's just to make sure your timeline remains as interesting as it should be, and not contaminated by spam (or 'shite' as I prefer to call it). Many organisations, businesses and individuals create a Twitter account to promote a particular service or message, which is great if it's of interest to you but boring and irrelevant if it's not. Be aware.